Posted by: jgurner | February 2, 2011

My Eyesight Isn’t Bad. It’s Reality That’s Gone Wrong.

We all get older, unless we’re Brad Pitt in a lame movie. But just because we age, does that really mean our bodies have to do the things that bodies do as they age?

I’m the first to admit that my eyesight is pretty lousy. I basically can see out of only one eye, thus my on-going ire at everything being made 3D these days. I have no depth perception, which is part of the reason I suck at any type of sport. And I constantly strain my eyes through reading, working and playing on the computer and all those other things that people do that are bad for your eyesight. (I know what you’re thinking. Get you mind out of the gutter!)

Ten years ago, I got my first pair of glasses. They were “computer” glasses and were mainly to be used when I was going to be staring at a computer screen or doing similar activities that put a strain on my eyes, including reading, but wearing them while on the computer was emphasized.

Over the years, when they haven’t been lost, I’ve been pretty good at wearing my glasses, when I remember. But, as of late, I find that the world is getting just a little bit blurrier. Though I’m convinced this was the fault of the world and not my eyesight, I went to the eye doctor anyway, just so I could be proven right.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. The edges of reality aren’t becoming more ill-defined. My eyesight has just gotten a little bit worse and, because of that, my prescription has changed and I need – insert ominous music clip here – bifocals.

Now, to be perfectly honest, I don’t mind too much. If they work anywhere near as well as the eye thingy I was looking through yesterday – you know the one, “Number one or number two… Number one or number two…” – I’ll be pleased. No more putting the dollar store reading glasses over my regular glasses to read text messages on my iPhone. No more wondering if something is a Q an O or a cat. No more struggling to read Joyce’s Ulysses. At least not struggling to read the world. Still struggling to actually make it past the first 100 pages of the book.

No, the part that bothered me about the whole thing was when the eye dude said this was fairly normal for someone in his mid forties!

How could a guy who has so much education be so wrong? Me? Mid forties? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Today is February 2. My birthday is April 8. That means I’m 43 for 65 more days. I’m in my EARLY forties, thankyouverymuch. MID forties are 44, 45 and 46. And besides, 10 years ago people were saying 40 was the new 30 and I was only 33 at the time, which made me 23 at that time, so technically I’m still in my early 30s, which brings me, once again, to the conclusion that my eyes aren’t the problem, it’s reality.

So, armed with this proof, I plan on presenting it to the eye dude next week when I go and pick up my bifocals.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn…


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